Here there be mutants

Now, some of you may or may not have read my post on velociraptors, found here, who reside on the outskirts of my home city. You all might be surprised to learn that in addition to knowing where some velociraptors live, I also know where some top-secret government research on mutants goes on as well.

The government was very clever in hiding this research centre in plain sight on one of the most traveled highways in Canada, the TransCanada Highway which links this fine country across the south from Pacific to Atlantic Oceans. Because who would think that something in plain sight for all to see would be all top-secret and stuff? Plus it's just a convenient location with a breathtaking view, and we all know real estate is location, location, location.



Yes, I know it's a little crooked, small, and my
windshield was likely dirty, but what do you expect
of a picture taken at subsonic highway speeds?



I should add a caveat at this point, in that I don't know if the research conducted here is on mutants. It's just a theory of mine. They could be harboring aliens looking to immigrate to our fine world, developing viruses in a quest to make military weapons (if zombies ever start appearing, this is likely the source), or simply perfecting the recipe for pumpkin pie in order to make the most delicious pie known to mankind (you all may have argued apple, but really, pumpkin is far better.  Plus it's my blog... author's choice). Or really, it could be any combination of the above.

At any rate, I know it's all top-secret and stuff because it just looks mysterious.  I mean, you're driving along, seemingly in the middle of the wilderness with nothing around for miles and miles except trees, mountain goats and elk, and BLAMMO!  You're hit with this mysterious looking building and something that looks like a water tower.  I have Google'd and searched and can honestly find nothing that explains what it is, thus my conclusion must be correct. 

And I suspect that they are doing research on mutants because the setting looks suspiciously like that place in the second X-Men movie where Wolverine discovers where he was 'born'.  Sans the big dam and lake of course, but it has mountains and snow, what more do you want?!

Additionally, we all know that whatever Hollywood potrays is the absolute truth (again, see my previous post on velociraptors, found here), therefore I must conclude my conclusions are infallible.

Now see?  You are better off for having read my post, because if zombies or bad-guy mutants ever start appearing and you want to go all Alice or Professor Xavier on their ass, you'll know where to start your hunt.

You're welcome.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Lame Christmas Commercials

Now that the Christmas holidays are approaching, the virtual cornucopia of lame Christmas commercials has returned to the airwaves trying to entice you to buy everything from alcohol and high-fructose corn-syrup-laden drinks to toys for as-yet-unreleased movies and diamonds (they are forever, don't you know).  Because after all, if we all consume/use/promote/buy these things our lives will become magically perfect and even I will start to like certain members of my family, and indeed hug them when I see them instead of my usual forced-smile-then-ignore tactic.

Not likely.

Dr. Seuss had it nailed with his story about the Grinch, folks, however this falls under the category of 'yet another post idea'.

There are, however, a few commercials out there that do fall into the category of not-so-lame by virtue of being clever, making one laugh, of just having that awwwww... factor.  The infamous polar-bears-party-with-penguins-over-a-bottle-of-coke commercial has that awwwww... factor, so I have to admit being not completely annoyed by it, just somewhat annoyed.   I feel that I must point out some fundamental errors in this commercial, in the hopes that future generations will not be swayed to stupidity by the massive Coca-Cola marketing machine.

1. There is nowhere on Earth, to my knowledge, where polar bears and penguins co-habitate the same locale.  Except maybe zoos.  And I don't see any high-tensile wire fences, moats, or Asian tourists with cameras anywhere in that commercial.

2.  I'm pretty sure once she's been knocked up, ole mama bear promptly kicks papa bear's ass off the ice-flo.  Maybe he was running around with a local grizzly floozy, maybe she's just tired of his lazy ass always watching the football game and never taking out the trash.  Either way, poor Junior (or Juniorette) is guaranteed to be from a broken home.

3.  I wasn't aware penguins squeaked/squealed/trilled.  I always thought of it as more of a buzzing squawk.  But hey, you never know.  National Geographic might just have it all wrong.

4.  The Beach Boys penguin-party music you had going last year was much better.  'F' for effort this year, Coke.  Who the hell is that anyways?!  There isn't even any lyrics.

5.  Way to exploit the whole 'cute factor' to get people to buy your shit.  While I can appreciate the whole cuteness of your commercial, it still won't entice me to buy your crappy product.

In conclusion, all I can say that if Coke actually is on to something, and sharing a bottle of Coke with your enemy will bring world peace, let me be the first to contribute to a campaign involving shipping bottles of Coke over to Afghanistan and every other war-torn locale on the planet.  In fact, I'm thinking this commercial might do better to air in such regions instead of here, show 'em all how it's done.  Oh, wait... they likely don't have sufficient money to buy a bottle of Coke in these regions, so it'd be a marketing fail.

Let cynicism reign supreme.

In the meantime, enjoy the awwwww... factor, and have a Merry Christmas!

YouTube - Coca Cola Arctic Beach Party 2010

Here there be velociraptors

There is a large industrial area next to the city where I work, and I pass through this area on my commute home.  There is an area of the industrial park that has been effectively abandoned due to either damage from a F4 (possibly F5) tornado that tore through there just over 20 years ago, or simple economic downturn.

It is a sad area, all overgrown with weeds and trees, and buildings still standing as if they are simply waiting for someone to return while slowly decaying away.  Within this abandoned area of the industrial park, right next to the main road, there is a building.  The building is kind of a stark contrast to the area around it, because while the industrial land surrounding is of the aforementioned overgrown variety, the building itself is still in quite good shape.  I believe someone takes care of it, but it is still very clearly abandoned with it's vacant, slowly crumbling parking lot and overgrown landscaping.

I have a unconfirmed suspicion about this building.  While the building is 'reported' to be owned by Imperial Oil, and the site abandoned due to reasons stated above, it is, I believe, the lab building from the second Jurassic Park movie, based on the Crichton novel The Lost World.  You know, the one from InGen's Site B on Isla Sorna where all the actual work of cloning the dinosaurs went on?  There is definitely a coverup going on.

I am convinced that if I enter said building, I will discover dusty DNA extraction and analysis machines, a defunct dinosaur egg hatchery (complete with dusty, broken, oversized egg shells), various sized cages to hold juvenile dinosaurs, and hungry velociraptors which will try to eat me.  They recently boarded up all the windows, and I am positive the reason is to keep the velociraptors from getting any ideas about leaving and terrorizing the city at large.  You can only hungrily watch the rush hour traffic going by on the road outside for so long before you decide to be proactive about your situation.

The main lesson here is, however, that boards on the windows or not it's only a matter of time before man's abominations run amok, as Hollywood has shown us time and again.

Repent while you still can.  Oh, and save up gas money.  Because the large oil refineries all reside in this industrial area right next to the cleverly disguised Site B lab building.  And once those velociraptors escape and eat all the refinery workers, the cost of gasoline for your fine automobile is going to skyrocket.  And really, isn't that the biggest issue here?



It's always too dark to take a picture when I drive past (and I don't really want to stop anyways, I mean what if the 'raptors escape??) so I drew you this picture instead.  I hope you like it.  You can't see the DNA equipment and egg hatching stuff and cages because it's all in the back of the building I think.  I really don't know because I've never been in there.  I mean, who would want to go into a building with velociraptors waiting to eat your face off in it??



On farts and genius theories

I've often wondered what it is about going to the bathroom that somehow makes one an instant super genius. I know a number of people that have stated they do their best thinking on the toilet.

There is a humorous saying out there that states never to hold your farts in, because they travel up your spine to your brain and that's where shitty ideas come from. Maybe that's why we all think better on the toilet... we're not holding our farts in!

Theory postulated... now to test.

I'd also like to point out a fun app I picked up for my iPhone that allows me to blog from anywhere. So far, works well and is easy to use. Might also help me test my above theory.

You never know where I'll be blogging from next...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone