Age and theories on annoying people

I'm getting old.

Now... you all might call this a blinding flash of the obvious, as really we all get old.  It's kind of inevitable.  Those that know my age might scoff at my assessment, saying I'm really not that old.  I am still called a young'un from time to time, but really it's all relative.

About 5 years ago, I began to suspect that I was getting a little older when the local classic rock station started playing music that I had enjoyed back in high school.  It had never occurred to me before that the definition of what is considered 'classic' rock would change as the decades rolled on, slowly encompassing yet another decade into it's broad repetoire that began back before I was even conceived.   

Harsh reality, however, set in today that it's only a matter of time before I'm sitting on my front porch, brandishing Husband's shotgun (or a cane, for all you anti-gun ninnies) yelling at some young punk to "GET OFF MY LAWN!!". 

(For the purposes of this exercise, let's please imagine that (a) what I have can actually be termed a lawn; and (b) my 'lawn' isn't a couple of hundred feet from my front porch and hidden behind a small forest. Anyways, continuing on before my train-of-thought derails... this happens when you get old too... wait - what was my point here?  Oh yeah!  Ahem...)

The cause of this harsh realization you ask, oh fair reader?  Allow me to share.

I've always been highly annoyed by high school kids, even while in high school.  The problem has only gotten worse as time has passed, to the point where I'm now not only annoyed by high school kids, but also college and university kids and those just fresh out of these supposed sage institutes of higher learning.  This point was driven home to me today while overhearing a late-twenty-something year old gossiping on the phone to a friend about this person and that person while going all, like, what the hell?! and drama queen'ish.  And try as I might, I could not HELP but overhear because my personal space was being invaded and this girl had little concept of 'inside voice'.

Highly annoying.  Seriously.  You have no idea.  You know how I mentioned that shotgun earlier?? 

At any rate, it's not that I'm scared of the grey hair, or the wrinkles, or the incontinence (okay, okay... scratch that from the list.  Yeesh, a girl tries to make a joke...), it's just I have realized that at some point it is exceedingly likely I will be annoyed by most of humanity. 

Lemme 'splain...

Original theory on the Annoyance Level/Age relationship.

In the graph on the right, you see what my previous suppositions were on the whole age/annoying level matter, also referred to as my Original Theory on Annoying People, or OTAP for short.  I had always assumed that as an annoying individual aged, they at some point reached a level of maturity where they realized just how annoying they were, and simply grew up and became mostly un-annoying, useful members of society.

Now, you'll remember that earlier I mentioned that it seems the age category that I consider to contain annoying individuals seems to be expanding.  This would imply two things.

1. The annoyance of an individual is not, in fact, a factor of their age but is instead a factor of our changing society, in which people are becoming more self-centred and oblivious to their effect on the world around them.  Logic then leads us to the conclusion that the level of annoyance of an individual is more a function of your year of birth as opposed to age at any given moment (i.e. your annoyance is a function of societies morales that shaped you as you were growing up).

2. children in the 0-13 year categories are exempt from my theory irregardless of year of birth, because I am not annoyed by kids under approximately the age of 13 or so.  In fact, I'm actually a huge fan of kids and envy their ability to still be all innocent and exempt from all the shit that daily life has to throw at most of us.  Point, you ask?  We should all take a lesson and be more like children.  But that's yet another blog post.

New and Improved theory on the Annoyance Level/Age
relationship.

In order to illustrate my New and Improved Theory on Annoying People, or NITAP for short, I present another graph.  As you can see on this graph at the right, I illustrate how at some point in society there was some form of massive, singular, shattering societal event which began creating a cornucopia of annoying individuals.  While I couldn't pinpoint one event (which I guess kills the 'singular' part of that description), there was a lot that went down in the 1980's that shaped the world as it is today, so it shouldn't be too hard to imagine a societal shift happening within that time frame.    


Now after all that theory and postulating, I should add some caveats.  While I do believe NITAP does dominate in the creation of annoying individuals today, I suspect that OTAP does operate within NITAP at some sub-level.  There is even a possible third theory that may operate within NITAP based on the societal circles one operates in, but it's still a work in progress.  It would, however, explain individuals like Paris Hilton and assorted other celebrities.  Finally, in the interest of maintaining harmony with my younger work colleagues I should add the caveat that there are some people who while they fit the parameters of NITAP I don't find annoying at all.


In the meantime, however, I believe I will just simply accept the inevitable that I have a few more grey hairs today than yesterday, there will be an increasing number of individuals I find annoying, and sit back, relax, and wait for spring.  For this is when the front porch will become less of a frozen wasteland and a more inviting locale to sit back and yell at young punks on my 'lawn'.

Stay real, gentle reader, and remember you're only as old as you feel upstairs.

An open letter to Satellite TV

A picture collage of my last phone
 experience with my (former) satellite provider.
Can you put the pictures in the
proper order?  :)

Dear Satellite TV, 

I'm so very, very, sorry, but I just can't commit to you and am cancelling you from my life.

It's not you, it's me.  I am impatient, have a short attention span, and...

Actually...
...it is you.

You are boring, with too many lame commercials and mid-season breaks, not to mention the importance you place on boring sports that I don't care about.  Interrupting the start of my favorite TV show just so a bunch of overpaid idiots on steroids can finish throwing a tiny ball around is totally not cool.

It is also not cool when you are making me happy, but then interrupt that happiness for some totally idiotic breaking news update about some idiotic individual that got shot idiotically.  Honestly chances are really, really good I don't give a flying crap about any of it.  You interrupted my HAPPY.  And given generally that there is not enough HAPPY to go around in the world today, I tend to zealously protect what HAPPY I have.  You never interrupt my HAPPY to let me know good news and increase my HAPPY, which makes it all the worse.

As for cancelling my favorite TV show mid-season because it's not the instant-uber-mega-hit you wanted... that is so not cool that it is below absolute zero.  Yes, I'm mostly looking at you, FOX.

Finally, I hate that you never work as advertised little annoying box that I paid oodles of hard-earned cash for, and I constantly have to phone (likely) India or some small largely unknown island nation only God knows where on this Earth to figure out how to make you function properly again.  I have spent more time talking to individuals in these locations in the past year than I have to my Mother, which is very, very sad.  I need someone reliable, Satellite TV, so have decided to go with Rabbit Ears.

In short Satellite TV, it would never work between you and me.  I wish you well.

With fondness,
Me

Musings on Top Secret files and Hollywood

I thought that given my recent few blogs exposing local top secret projects involving velociraptors and mutants, I should perhaps clarify (or more likely mudify) my position on such matters.

Despite being a somewhat logical, level-minded (albeit random) individual, I have to admit to wondering just exactly what does go on behind all those closed doors, inside those files marked Top Secret, and within the minds of the world's most powerful politicians and other notables.

We all see these flashy, dashy, fantastic movies from Hollywood where there is a big cover-up, mystery or other such riddle that gets solved (or not) during the course of the movie, and we think "what fantastic entertainment, but it can't possibly be true..."

...or can it?

See, just as all the great thinkers in history quite often wrote about ideas or drew objects that were far ahead of their time and came from their imaginations, I believe that sometimes there may be an iota of truth behind some of these so-called fictional Hollywood blockbusters. 

Consider, for example, that the US military had satellite technology and image resolutions back in the 1970's and 1980's that the civilian sector was just being allowed to utilize in the 1990's.  Or that the Stealth Bomber was developed back in the late 1970's to early 1980's (based on technology from even further back) and did not become known mainstream until the mid-1990's.  The point being that when they want to, our powers that be (no matter your geographical location in the world) are really great at keeping secrets.  Quite frankly, you are likely only limited by your imagination when thinking about the kind of shit these people are currently up to.

Consider as well that people manipulate other people all the time to further their own means.  We all do it, everyday.  I don't care how good, or well-intentioned, or pious or whatever you are, I guarantee that you have manipulated someone at some point in time to obtain a means to your end.  Is it really such a far leap of logic to assume that our governments, large corporations, the media and other entities in positions of power do this as well?  Large retail corporations do it all the time... it's called advertising.  If you think you aren't being manipulated into buying (or even thinking of buying) some piece of crap consumer good you don't really need, you are woefully mistaken my friend.  They spend millions on this shit daily just so you will buy their macaroni & cheese, diapers, DVD players, music albums... the list is infinite!  The point here is that if they can manipulate the masses into believing you absolutely need the latest, greatest, biggest 3-D TV that displays yellow (yes, yellow!!) in addition to the three primary colours, they can most certainly manipulate us in our thinking about events that go on daily in the world at large.

Now back to my original point about the movies... yes, there is some really crazy, fantastic and (supposedly) entirely fictional shit that goes on on the big screen, but maybe this is the point in the first place.  To keep us all thinking that it is just crazy, fantastic, and entirely fictional shit so that when some poor schmuck does try to expose the truth we all laugh, call him a nut-job, then promptly place him on medication for his 'mental health issues'.  And medication and the drug companies... don't get me started on them.  That, sports fans, is a conspiracy theory of epically scary proportions.

The bottom line of all this is there is a lot of secrets out there, and a lot of manipulation of the masses that goes into keeping these secrets.  If some screenwriter imagined it for his next blockbuster movie hit, you can bet that some other individual imagined it as well who has the knowledge and black project funding from some government or corporation to turn it into reality.  Maybe my velociraptors and mutants aren't so crazy after all, huh?

At any rate, enough deep thought from me for now.  I have to go make a new tin-foil hat... the lesson being always put them on the hand wash cycle.  Plus I think I'm overdue for my meds...

Here there be mutants

Now, some of you may or may not have read my post on velociraptors, found here, who reside on the outskirts of my home city. You all might be surprised to learn that in addition to knowing where some velociraptors live, I also know where some top-secret government research on mutants goes on as well.

The government was very clever in hiding this research centre in plain sight on one of the most traveled highways in Canada, the TransCanada Highway which links this fine country across the south from Pacific to Atlantic Oceans. Because who would think that something in plain sight for all to see would be all top-secret and stuff? Plus it's just a convenient location with a breathtaking view, and we all know real estate is location, location, location.



Yes, I know it's a little crooked, small, and my
windshield was likely dirty, but what do you expect
of a picture taken at subsonic highway speeds?



I should add a caveat at this point, in that I don't know if the research conducted here is on mutants. It's just a theory of mine. They could be harboring aliens looking to immigrate to our fine world, developing viruses in a quest to make military weapons (if zombies ever start appearing, this is likely the source), or simply perfecting the recipe for pumpkin pie in order to make the most delicious pie known to mankind (you all may have argued apple, but really, pumpkin is far better.  Plus it's my blog... author's choice). Or really, it could be any combination of the above.

At any rate, I know it's all top-secret and stuff because it just looks mysterious.  I mean, you're driving along, seemingly in the middle of the wilderness with nothing around for miles and miles except trees, mountain goats and elk, and BLAMMO!  You're hit with this mysterious looking building and something that looks like a water tower.  I have Google'd and searched and can honestly find nothing that explains what it is, thus my conclusion must be correct. 

And I suspect that they are doing research on mutants because the setting looks suspiciously like that place in the second X-Men movie where Wolverine discovers where he was 'born'.  Sans the big dam and lake of course, but it has mountains and snow, what more do you want?!

Additionally, we all know that whatever Hollywood potrays is the absolute truth (again, see my previous post on velociraptors, found here), therefore I must conclude my conclusions are infallible.

Now see?  You are better off for having read my post, because if zombies or bad-guy mutants ever start appearing and you want to go all Alice or Professor Xavier on their ass, you'll know where to start your hunt.

You're welcome.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Lame Christmas Commercials

Now that the Christmas holidays are approaching, the virtual cornucopia of lame Christmas commercials has returned to the airwaves trying to entice you to buy everything from alcohol and high-fructose corn-syrup-laden drinks to toys for as-yet-unreleased movies and diamonds (they are forever, don't you know).  Because after all, if we all consume/use/promote/buy these things our lives will become magically perfect and even I will start to like certain members of my family, and indeed hug them when I see them instead of my usual forced-smile-then-ignore tactic.

Not likely.

Dr. Seuss had it nailed with his story about the Grinch, folks, however this falls under the category of 'yet another post idea'.

There are, however, a few commercials out there that do fall into the category of not-so-lame by virtue of being clever, making one laugh, of just having that awwwww... factor.  The infamous polar-bears-party-with-penguins-over-a-bottle-of-coke commercial has that awwwww... factor, so I have to admit being not completely annoyed by it, just somewhat annoyed.   I feel that I must point out some fundamental errors in this commercial, in the hopes that future generations will not be swayed to stupidity by the massive Coca-Cola marketing machine.

1. There is nowhere on Earth, to my knowledge, where polar bears and penguins co-habitate the same locale.  Except maybe zoos.  And I don't see any high-tensile wire fences, moats, or Asian tourists with cameras anywhere in that commercial.

2.  I'm pretty sure once she's been knocked up, ole mama bear promptly kicks papa bear's ass off the ice-flo.  Maybe he was running around with a local grizzly floozy, maybe she's just tired of his lazy ass always watching the football game and never taking out the trash.  Either way, poor Junior (or Juniorette) is guaranteed to be from a broken home.

3.  I wasn't aware penguins squeaked/squealed/trilled.  I always thought of it as more of a buzzing squawk.  But hey, you never know.  National Geographic might just have it all wrong.

4.  The Beach Boys penguin-party music you had going last year was much better.  'F' for effort this year, Coke.  Who the hell is that anyways?!  There isn't even any lyrics.

5.  Way to exploit the whole 'cute factor' to get people to buy your shit.  While I can appreciate the whole cuteness of your commercial, it still won't entice me to buy your crappy product.

In conclusion, all I can say that if Coke actually is on to something, and sharing a bottle of Coke with your enemy will bring world peace, let me be the first to contribute to a campaign involving shipping bottles of Coke over to Afghanistan and every other war-torn locale on the planet.  In fact, I'm thinking this commercial might do better to air in such regions instead of here, show 'em all how it's done.  Oh, wait... they likely don't have sufficient money to buy a bottle of Coke in these regions, so it'd be a marketing fail.

Let cynicism reign supreme.

In the meantime, enjoy the awwwww... factor, and have a Merry Christmas!

YouTube - Coca Cola Arctic Beach Party 2010

Here there be velociraptors

There is a large industrial area next to the city where I work, and I pass through this area on my commute home.  There is an area of the industrial park that has been effectively abandoned due to either damage from a F4 (possibly F5) tornado that tore through there just over 20 years ago, or simple economic downturn.

It is a sad area, all overgrown with weeds and trees, and buildings still standing as if they are simply waiting for someone to return while slowly decaying away.  Within this abandoned area of the industrial park, right next to the main road, there is a building.  The building is kind of a stark contrast to the area around it, because while the industrial land surrounding is of the aforementioned overgrown variety, the building itself is still in quite good shape.  I believe someone takes care of it, but it is still very clearly abandoned with it's vacant, slowly crumbling parking lot and overgrown landscaping.

I have a unconfirmed suspicion about this building.  While the building is 'reported' to be owned by Imperial Oil, and the site abandoned due to reasons stated above, it is, I believe, the lab building from the second Jurassic Park movie, based on the Crichton novel The Lost World.  You know, the one from InGen's Site B on Isla Sorna where all the actual work of cloning the dinosaurs went on?  There is definitely a coverup going on.

I am convinced that if I enter said building, I will discover dusty DNA extraction and analysis machines, a defunct dinosaur egg hatchery (complete with dusty, broken, oversized egg shells), various sized cages to hold juvenile dinosaurs, and hungry velociraptors which will try to eat me.  They recently boarded up all the windows, and I am positive the reason is to keep the velociraptors from getting any ideas about leaving and terrorizing the city at large.  You can only hungrily watch the rush hour traffic going by on the road outside for so long before you decide to be proactive about your situation.

The main lesson here is, however, that boards on the windows or not it's only a matter of time before man's abominations run amok, as Hollywood has shown us time and again.

Repent while you still can.  Oh, and save up gas money.  Because the large oil refineries all reside in this industrial area right next to the cleverly disguised Site B lab building.  And once those velociraptors escape and eat all the refinery workers, the cost of gasoline for your fine automobile is going to skyrocket.  And really, isn't that the biggest issue here?



It's always too dark to take a picture when I drive past (and I don't really want to stop anyways, I mean what if the 'raptors escape??) so I drew you this picture instead.  I hope you like it.  You can't see the DNA equipment and egg hatching stuff and cages because it's all in the back of the building I think.  I really don't know because I've never been in there.  I mean, who would want to go into a building with velociraptors waiting to eat your face off in it??



On farts and genius theories

I've often wondered what it is about going to the bathroom that somehow makes one an instant super genius. I know a number of people that have stated they do their best thinking on the toilet.

There is a humorous saying out there that states never to hold your farts in, because they travel up your spine to your brain and that's where shitty ideas come from. Maybe that's why we all think better on the toilet... we're not holding our farts in!

Theory postulated... now to test.

I'd also like to point out a fun app I picked up for my iPhone that allows me to blog from anywhere. So far, works well and is easy to use. Might also help me test my above theory.

You never know where I'll be blogging from next...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone